


Leave It All Behind

by GoofyGoldenGirl



Category: Loki: Agent of Asgard, Marvel, Marvel (Comics)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Daydreams, F/M, Guilt, Heartbreak, Helheimr | Hel (Realm), Infatuation, Love, Moving On, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Regret, Romantic Angst, Sad, Unrequited Love, based on a headcanon, letting go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 04:25:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4465400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoofyGoldenGirl/pseuds/GoofyGoldenGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>And so it is</em><br/><em>The shorter story</em><br/><em>No love, no glory</em><br/><em>No hero in her sky</em>  ---The Blower's Daughter Damien Rice</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leave It All Behind

It started out as regret.

He was to blame even though the fault wasn't his'. When the guilt overtook his senses, it didn't matter that it had been the kid's choice; he was the one who pulled the strings and set the scene for a dramatic fallout. The list of names of all he tricked and used ran through his mind, and hers was close to the top of the list.

_Leah_

_We didn't want to spite you. He wanted to spare you from what would come_

With each name came a face, and he would linger on hers before moving on to the next. 

In Loki's eyes she looked beautiful. Her hair fell in long raven waves; her eyes although watery, was a crisp apple green. Her cheeks flushed crimson, her plump lips a light pink, slightly opened, as she tilted her head to glance up at him.

And so it was, he fell.

*******************************  
He was reminded of her everywhere he went. An emerald green dress that hung on a display in one of the most famous stores in New York. The advertisement for milkshakes at the ice cream parlor. A group of preteens on their way to school, animated and loud; drawing attention to all who passed them. The woman walking her ill tempered dog in the park, scowling at the world as if to blame it for the troubles her dog got into.

Loki found himself going back to the movies, shows, websites, and games that the two children loved. He had not been able to look at them in the year since, but now a strange warmth accompanied his pangs of sadness whenever he did. He imagined that Leah sat next him, brushing her hair back as she moved forward to get a better look at the screen. She'd rest her body against his' and blink up at him. He'd clasp her hand, gazing right into those eyes that captivated him so. With a slight exhale, he tilted his head down and kissed her. And he held her close and held her fast, not wanting to let her go.

When his thoughts and dreams didn't quench his longing, Loki offered his services to Hel. The goddess of death was surprised that an Asgardian would agree to help Hel in a situation where they wouldn't gain anything, but she agreed nevertheless. The work Loki was tasked with was difficult: tending to the Hel dogs, mapping out and surveying the kingdom, listening to the grievances of the dead to report to Hela, and going after souls that had gone astray. But not once did he complain. Working in the same realm that Leah once inhabited made the emptiness in his heart full. 

One evening when Loki was ready to leave, Hela approached him.

"What you seek cannot be sought."

He turned around.

"And how would you know what I seek?" 

"Foolish boy," she said with a smirk. "Even the proudest and most coldhearted of men fall prey to love."

Loki racked his mind for a good comeback, to find that he had been stunned into silence.

Hela laughed.

"Do you mean to mock me?" Loki asked defensively. 

"I do not," she answered. "But heed my words. What you seek cannot be sought."

Loki attempted to keep his expression blank as he conjured the portal. A flash of green light and he was gone.  
****************************************************************************************************************

Three days and three nights passed. Loki shut himself in his apartment. Dark, with all the curtains drawn and the doors locked, Loki spent his hours either on his bed staring up at the ceiling to only move to the couch in the living room to face the wall. Once in a while his hand would pick up a pen and hover over the piece of paper on the coffee table. The paper would either end up blotted with tears and illegible handwriting, or remain as fresh as it started out. When the pit in his stomach jumbled about, he'd head over the kitchen to find that his appetite had disappeared. The same sad songs blared from the stereo throughout the house at full volume, yet to Loki it only felt like background noise. The only thing he could hear were the thoughts racing through his head: 

_I'm sorry Leah. I'm so so sorry._

_I can't take my eyes off of you_

_I love you_

Curled up on the couch with tears streaming down his face, he almost didn't see the greenish-black glow materialize in front of him.

Hela glanced over the room before exclaiming:

"This is pitiful! This is a _disgrace._ A god as mighty as you in such a state?"

Loki lifted his head.

"You," he managed to get out.

"Explain yourself!"

"I--"

"Look at how you've _deluded_ yourself!" Hela spat. "You should have just stayed _dead_ "

The familiar chill overcame him again. But Hela's ranting quickly snapped him out of it:

"Your flights of fancy and your puppy love are _sickening!_ "

"What I feel is real!" Loki shouted.

"Real? _Real?_ You _ripped_ whatever sentiment and memory came your way and _twisted_ it just to suit you! I've watched you Laufeyson! You're no better than the lost souls I've sent you to retrieve! Drowning yourself in what should have beens and what could have beens. Wandering around hoping that _something_ will send you into your little fantasy world. How you _toss_ and _turn_ in your sleep as--"

"I don't _see_ her like _that!_ " Loki objected. "I could _never_ see her like _that_ That _disgusts_ me!"

"So you know," Hela said in a low voice. "You _know_ what you're doing to yourself yet you still are a hostage to your _selfishness_ and _immaturity_ "

"You don't even know what my dreams are _like,_ " new tears streaked down his face.

"I don't _sleep_ Loki," Hela exasperatedly said. "So _forgive_ me if my _guesses_ do not _match_ up."

With one motion, Hela grabbed Loki by the arm and pulled him up.

"Come with me. I am going to show you something to get you out of this rut!"

The greenish-black light returned as Hela and Loki vanished from sight.  
*************************************************************************

They arrived on a busy street of midtown Manhattan. Even with their strange appearance and odd clothing, no one gave the two a second glance. Hela yanked Loki out of the way of the crowd and they leaned back against a shop wall.

"Wait three seconds," Hela told him.

"But what are we--"

His jaw dropped.

It seemed as the crowd of people had parted for those few seconds. Two women walked hand in hand, oblivious to those around them, with eyes only for each other. The woman on the right, a blonde, dressed a yellow tank top and black shorts, laughed at something the other said and leaned her head against the other woman's shoulder. The other woman beamed at her. She was beautiful. Tall, clad in an elegant green summer dress; her raven locks kept up in a bun, pierced by two white hair chopsticks. Her green eyes sparkled as she leaned down and kissed the blonde woman's head.

Then they reentered the crowd and were gone.

Loki let out a sob. He hung his head down, letting his tears drip on the sidewalk. People passed them and the cars sped by, and still Loki cried.

Hela reached out and placed her hand on his shoulder. Her touch was gentle this time.

"She did love you once," she whispered. "And maybe if things had been different she would still. But what's in the past is in the past. She has grown and moved on with her life. Now it's your turn."

"I can't!" He blubbered.

"Yes you _can,_ " Hela said sternly. "Even if there are some things that hold you back, you have to keep moving forward."

She maneuvered Loki to face her.

"I want you to pretend that I'm Leah. Say whatever you need to say."

He choked back another sob before speaking.

"I'm sorry for everything I did to you. I'm sorry that he hurt you and told you that he didn't want you around anymore. I'm sorry he sent you away. He was going to die and he didn't want you to know. I killed him after we left Hel. I ruined what ever little joy you had in your life and if I could go back--"

"Fate cannot be rewritten without consequences," Hela interrupted him. "Don't dwell on the what-ifs. Face it as it is now."  


Loki took a shaky breath. 

"You don't need to accept my apology. You can hate me and wish me dead as much as you wish. But I want you to know that everything he--we did was to protect you. He cared so much for you. And--and I love you because of him. I love you so much and sorry isn't going to make things better, but I really am sorry this time--"

A new round of sobs. Hela stood patiently, staring straight at his tear streaked face.

"I'll leave you now. We'll go our separate ways, just as it should be. I won't forget how much you meant to him--and me. And I hope that you can brighten up someone's life as you did to ours."

Loki's face tensed up.

"Goodbye Leah--forever." 

He became quiet.

Hela reached out again and placed both of her hands on Loki's shoulders. Her eyelids fluttered as she studied every inch of his face. She leaned down and kissed him on the cheek. She took a step back.

The young man placed a hand on his cheek, confused.

"But why?" He asked. "Why would you go out of your way to do this to me?"

Hela had turned again. She began to walk away, but her voice was loud and clear:

"You think you're so clever Loki. That you know everything there is to know about the world. But even after all this time, you're _still_ as idiotic and clueless as ever."

He was left at the street corner, pondering her words.

**Author's Note:**

> _This fic was inspired by the song Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice_   
>  _You can listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esK3BUomejQ_


End file.
